your room smells of hookers.
And success
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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