then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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