What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
