ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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