i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
