im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
