I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
