oh god the rape fog is back!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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