she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
