Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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