I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
