I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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