getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
