just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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