I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
