It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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