is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
