I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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