she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize