You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
