i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
