Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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