I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
