I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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