Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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