Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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