hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
