You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize