remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
