I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
