fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
