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His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
