Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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