Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
