i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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