I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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