Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
