He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
is it fun? or sober?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
