Someone shit on the floor
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Randomize
