I'm really into asian looking animals
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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