The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
