an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
