Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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