Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize