Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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