i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
