But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
