I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
