I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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