You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
