I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Life is so much better after having sex.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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