I think I died a long time ago.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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