neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
