She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
