I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
