You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
