I just cut my nipple shaving
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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