i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you inspire me to be a worse person
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
